Used and Abused. Searching a job

I have worked for several companies several times in the past, but I have never had a contract longer than a month. It was an internship or job for just one small project. Then, after finishing a few things, I wanted to start my first permanent job, and the job search turned out to be terrible.

# Ambitious and Confident Child

I started my adventure with programming before my tenth birthday, then I spent most of my life self-improvement in programming. I have created many things, but most of these things have one huge problem. They make no sense because no one uses them.

# Is there anything wrong with that?

For most people it doesn't, but for me it is very inappropriate. I always thought of myself as someone who would make this world a better place than it was given to me. The scale of this is not important, but I dream so far.

Now, however, if I die for some random reason, even the butterfly effect caused by me won't be much. I changed life of several hundred people, I won few competitions, I made a few projects, but this it isn't enough for me.

# Reach far

When I was a child, I imagined a lot of my future. About having own company or maybe being a important part of existing company? Not, stop. I still imagine about that. Everyday.

I had few attempts with creating own company e.g. Noise Studio where I spent a lot of my time and I learned so much with my beloved friends. But every of this attempts showed me how little experience with creating a company I have.

# View of Mature Programmer

Now I know, I'm still not enough mature to create alone something really big. NoiseEngine is seemingly big, has taught me and invented a lot, but it's still too small to replace another engines. When I'm still immature for creating own company, I wanted to bring something to another companies, obviously best for me will be joining somewhere what looks according with my own values.

I want to get a job that will satisfy me for:

• team - with I will be able to create amazing projects;
• self-sufficiency - being dependent of money from another people isn't nice;
• self-usefulness - I want to be useful.

I don't have that right now, and I'm ill because of that...

# Meeting with Reality

Most of my friends work in IT, so I thought it would be easy for me to find a nice job. But now, after several months of sending my CV almost everywhere, I feel like I will never get a permanent job in IT.

# Being insane

I spent too many time sitting on LinkedIn, searching a job offers, writing direct messages with recruiters. And this time is gone, this can be spent on improving my skills in programming, but I didn't do nothing in that hundreds of hours. After some months, I'm involuntarily changed my perspective on programming in my free time, and I was creating projects just for portfolio, what is absolutely different than creating things for self-improvement. E.g. even though I used C++, and I don't have problem with learning any language in real time, then I was creating project in that obsolete language^[1] only for show yourself to recruiters.

# Phantom positions

I don't want to point the finger at anyone. But in my journey with searching a job, I have a lot situations where I applied for a position where I have all required qualifications. Nobody replied to me, but the position is reopened even after many months. I don't understand that.

# Everybody wants a senior

Positions for seniors are a lot, but probably this isn't a position for me yet. What I should learn in home to being a senior? Probably nothing, because probably any recruter will not qualify my personal experience to experience.

So often I also submitting to mid positions, which looks fine from my perspective, because I know difference between these classification. I solve problems that I think are advanced enough for juniors, I work independently. But this is still not enough to gain a chance for recruitment.

I don't understand that.

# Hey, submit your position to us!

Sometime some recruiters just send message where they please me to submit to XYZ positions. This is fine, and nice. But always I receive denial after some time or I go to interview with they. Where they say me things like "we wanted senior". I prepare for an interview, I get stressed, I spend time on someone who asks me for cooperation without knowing anything about me. I don't understand that.

# CryWorld

I've cried about it more than once in a few months, more than I can count. Maybe I'm a little crybaby or I'm just afraid for my future.

# Envy

I also envied my friends many times. I envied for self-improvement opportunities, for their usefulness etc.

Even last Thursday, I was glad to spend an afternoon at the cinema with the creators from CD PROJEKT RED. We didn't talk much, but it was enough time to see their smiles. They looked like a family in my eyes, and this was amazing. After returning to home I cried a little, because I just envy for workplace which I can name my third house. Two job rejections that day didn't help contain my emotions either.

# Job alternatives

A while ago, I started often saying things to my boyfriend like, "Maybe I should work in a supermarket?" We don't mind this job, just a regular job, but he always responds by paying attention to my potential as a programmer.

This goes so real. Since last month I started thinking about courier work, because it looks like something relatively easy to get and after that I will can be useful and self-sufficient! Additionally I could improve my driving skills in that work which seems fine to me.

# Smile mask

But probably finding a job alternative will be just a smile mask. I started my journey with coding 9.5 years ago, and I real passionate with that. Probably every alternative job will destroy me inside similar to now, where I can't find a job.

# Challenge

It's terrible, but I don't think it was the fault of someone specifically I've been in contact with. This is how the world works and everyone in this world (including me) bears some responsibility for this situation.

"Used and Abused" is reference to song what I like.
Juice WRLD - Used and Abused (Unreleased) - [Prod.RockyRoadz]

Then make a great day, and take challenge if you need! Bye.

# To Me, The One Who Meets You

I, along with everyone in a similar position must take up the challenge, the challenge of securing employment. I will probably cry more than once, but I have to endure and persevere through this difficult time. And I will try to do that. Even if it will takes the next 9.5 years.

Perseverance is the key. Let me mention an excellent motor sports engineer, Adrian Newey, who also struggled to find his first permanent job^[2].

# To Every Brave Recruiter I'll Meet After

If you're brave enough to challenge me, and your company tell me "you have 12 milliseconds to do it" instead of "the customer will just buy a better machine". Then, we'll likely reach an agreement without any issues. You'll know how you can find me :)

But if that's not possible for you, then please check to avoid creating these situations :)

However, thanks